I've been writing this post in my head for a long time. It's a long one, so brace yourselves. I'm a map out your life forever kind of gal, not a go with the wind kind of person. I have a wonderful life. A really, really, aren't you lucky girl kind of life. I just have a little too much of it.
When we adopted this sweet doggy girl in October, I joked with my husband that she needed a home mom.
This off the cuff joke started a few whisperings in my heart of, What if? What if I did stay home? What would that look like? How would it change our family? Our marriage? Over this year, I've prayed for signs. I had little whisperings in my heart. I'm just not that good at listening to them, so I naively prayed for God to hit me over the head with a sign.
Turns out getting knocked in the head can hurt. If you are not going to take the time to listen and instead are looking for clear as a bell signs from above, be prepared for a few concussions. Every time I started doubting this decision, God clearly reminded me of why it was the right one. And it wasn't always pretty.
While I knew where my heart was leading, I struggled with the idea of staying home. God was supposed to make the current life I had planned out easier, not change it. The nerve. I had a long list of reasons. Here are just a few:
1. Um, that's a lot of money to give up.
2. I really, really love my job. I love teaching. I love being with kids. I love creating lessons. I love teaching those lessons.
3. I didn't stay home with my kids when they were younger, so I don't "deserve" to stay at home with them now.
4. I am perfectly capable of working, so there is no reason I shouldn't.
5. I prayed long and hard for this job when we moved four years ago. How can I give it up now?
6. I'm a wimp and need to toughen up. A lot of people have lives a million times more stressful than mine, and they make it work.
But, in the end, I decided to take a leap and just do it. Every decision does not have to be a forever decision, a novel concept for me. My husband travels a ton now for work, and we need to make some breathing room and add some flexibility in our lives. This is a way to do that. In a way that is the complete opposite of my OCD, plan out the rest of your life nature, I'm just going with it. No long term plan. No I will go back on this date, after this much time. For now, I'm rolling with it. Which is crazy because I am not a roll with kind of gal. I'm trying it out though, and it feels okay.
So, what happens with this blog?
I don't know. Remember, I'm rolling with it. I'll figure it out along the way. I do know that I will be subbing next year. That will fill my "I love kids and teaching" fix. Plus, it helps with the oh my gosh we're down a salary freak out. Also, no one should be sitting alone in their house alone all day long.
I'll keep designing blogs and other things which I love doing and will have more time for now. I have a my little Etsy shop. And, I don't know. I have learned this year that if you fill up your life too much, there's no room for God to surprise you. I'm sure that I'll end up right back in the classroom at some point. I'll just have to see what happens along the way. Yikes.